


P-Practice?!

by kawaiidonut



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Normal Life, Everybody Lives, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2018-11-03 02:41:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10957983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kawaiidonut/pseuds/kawaiidonut
Summary: a normal high school au. there are no evas. there are no angels. nobody is stuck in any time loops.just a happy low-conflict romcom with lots of inconsistencies with canon.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i haven't written any fanfiction in a really long time, and i've never written for evangelion before, so i am pretty nervous about posting this!! i only have bits and pieces of the other chapters done so far but i really wanted to share this now!! still, it shouldn't be long before i post another chapter.
> 
> this is not canon-compliant in any way and it is totally self-indulgent. i decided to share it because...hey, we could all use a break from angst right?? just don't take this too seriously lol

Shinji was lying on his bed with his earphones in, fully zoned out, when he thought he heard a voice. Sitting up on his elbow to check, he saw his adoptive sister Asuka leaning against his doorframe.

He took an earbud out. “What?”

Asuka rolled her eyes. “Idiot. I said, ‘guess what I just did?’”

Shinji sighed and repeated, “What?”

Grinning and placing her hands on her hips triumphantly, Asuka exclaimed, “I just went on a date!”

“Can't you talk to Misato-san about this?” Shinji grumbled, moving to sit back again.

“No!” Asuka barked. “She’s out right now. C’mon, isn't this what oniisans are for?”

“Aren't you older than me?”

Ignoring him, Asuka marched in and sat next to Shinji on his bed. Shinji stiffened and drew his legs in closer, but ultimately resigned himself to the situation. He sighed. Feeling like an awkward stepfather who had no idea how to talk to his kids, he asked, “Okay…so…how...was your...date?”

“It was great! I went out with a college guy. His name is Akihiro and he's super cute.”

“That's...great. How old is he?”

“He's twenty.”

Shinji nearly choked on his spit. “T-Twenty?! Isn't that too old?”

Asuka scoffed. “Whatever. Older guys are way better, anyway.” She tilted her chin defiantly. “They’re more mature.”

“More...mature?”

“Yeah!” She smirked. “He walked me all the way home. He even kissed me before he left!”

Shinji’s really did choke on his spit this time. “He _what?”_

“Stop being such a baby. Haven't you ever kissed anyone before?"

Shinji felt his cheeks burn. “O-Of course I have!”

“Relatives don’t count.”

“I...I know that!”

Shinji half-listened to the rest of Asuka’s recount, but he was distracted by his racing thoughts. How many of his friends had already had their first kiss? He could understand Toji or Mari already doing something like that, and maybe even Kensuke or Hikari. He had trouble imagining Rei kissing someone, but he figured she was probably more popular than he was aware of. She may have been a bit weird, but she was certainly pretty… Now Shinji was worried. Could he really be the only one in his class who still hadn’t had his first kiss?

He considered asking Misato when she had her first kiss to try to validate his situation, but he ultimately decided against it. Misato was too pretty. Even when she was younger, there would have been people who wanted to kiss her. She wasn’t plain and undesirable like Shinji.

Shinji felt kind of stupid for getting all worked up over this. He didn’t really have any interest in anyone, so it shouldn’t have mattered whether anyone wanted to kiss him, right? Still, he spent most of the night staring at his ceiling, racking his brain for someone, _anyone,_ who may have been in the same boat as him.

The next morning at school, Asuka was telling as many people as she could about her date. Shinji watched everyone’s reaction closely. Toji and Kensuke seemed impressed, and Hikari and Mari were excited, but nobody seemed shocked or appalled by the news. Shinji took this to mean that they all had prior experience with this. He started to feel the beginnings of panic creeping on him. If everyone had already had their first kiss, then nobody would want to kiss someone who had never done it before. Anyone crazy enough to want to kiss Shinji would only be disappointed by his lack of experience!

“Good morning, Shinji-kun,” came a soft voice, pulling Shinji out of his racing thoughts. He looked over and immediately felt a rush of relief.

Kaworu. Of course! There’s _no way_ Kaworu had ever kissed anyone before! How could Shinji have forgotten about Kaworu?

“Good morning, Kaworu-kun.”

Kaworu’s brow furrowed. “What’s wrong? You seem worried.”

Shinji tried to laugh casually. “Oh, it’s nothing.”

“Are you sure?” Kaworu said, gently placing his hand on top of Shinji’s where it lay on the desk. “You can talk to me about anything, you know.”

Shinji slipped his hand out from under Kaworu’s almost immediately. Kaworu didn’t seem bothered. Maybe Shinji was wrong to assume that Kaworu had never kissed anyone… Shinji had only ever seen Kaworu reject girls’ offers to hang out, but Kaworu did seem a little _too_ comfortable with physical contact. That level of comfort usually only came with experience.

“U-Um, okay. It’s kind of embarrassing, so I don’t want to talk about it right now, but…”

Kaworu smiled. “You can come over after school to talk, if you’d like.”

Shinji tried to smile back. “S-Sure.”

That afternoon, Shinji walked with Kaworu to his apartment. Shinji had formerly found it odd that Kaworu lived alone, but now he was grateful. He did not want to be interrupted during what was sure to be a very embarrassing conversation.

After Kaworu made tea, the two of them settled at the living room table. Shinji wrung his hands anxiously in his lap.

“So, what did you want to talk about, Shinji-kun?”

Shinji took a deep breath in what he hoped was a subtle manner. “U-Um, w-well, I don’t know if you heard, but Asuka went on a date last night.”

“I did overhear about that, yes.”

“A-And she said that she kissed him.”

Kaworu nodded, encouraging Shinji to continue.

“S-So that made me think that, um, that everyone our age must have already had their first kiss.”

“I could see how that conclusion would make sense.” Kaworu paused. “Have you had your first kiss, Shinji-kun?”

Shinji paused, but ultimately shook his head. “No, I haven’t.”

“Oh, I see. You’re worried that you’re the only one left who has yet to have their first kiss.”

“Well, yeah, but it’s more than that.” Shinji gulped. “I’m worried that everyone else is already out there getting experience, and then when it comes time for me to actually… k-kiss… someone, I’ll end up embarrassing myself. You know?”

Kaworu nodded slowly, humming in thought. “I see. I had not thought about that.”

“Um… Have you had your first k-kiss yet, Kaworu-kun?”

“No, I have not.”

“O-Oh.”

Kaworu tapped his chin pensively. “Why don’t we practice?”

“Practice?”

“Yes.”

Shinji took a moment to process exactly what Kaworu was saying. “S-So, you mean, y-you and... me... ?”

“Yes. That is conceivably the best way for the two of us to catch up to our peers, right?”

Shinji ducked his head to hide his blushing cheeks. “I don’t know.”

“Of course, you don’t have to say yes, Shinji-kun. It was only a suggestion.”

“I know…”

“I only want to help you in any way I can.”

Shinji thought about it for a minute. “O-Okay, I guess.

Kaworu instantly perked up. “Really?”

“Yeah, I mean… You want to, too, right?”

Kaworu grinned excitedly. “Yes, of course!” He leaned forward on his palms, quickly closing the space between them.

“W-Woah! Wait a minute!” Shinji stammered, holding out a palm. “Gimme a minute to… I don’t know… get ready.”

“Of course, Shinji-kun. Take your time.”

Shinji took a deep, deep, deep breath. He slowly placed his hands on Kaworu’s forearms and, blushing furiously, tilted his chin up towards him. At the last second, he squeezed his eyes shut. He felt something touch his lips. Unsure of what to do, he stayed still until he felt Kaworu move to hold the back of his head in his hands, angling Shinji’s head to the side slightly. Shinji went with it until he felt something wet swipe at his lower lip, at which point he jerked back in shock, eyes wide.

“W-W-W-What was _that?!”_

Kaworu seemed unfazed. He cocked his head to the side in confusion. “Is that not how people are supposed to kiss?”

“I-I don’t think you’re supposed to use your tongue that soon!”

Kaworu hummed. “I’m sorry. I should have done more research.”

Kaworu looked so severely grim that it made Shinji crack up. 

“Shinji-kun?” Kaworu asked, confused by Shinji’s change in demeanor.

“Don’t look so ashamed of yourself. At least you tried something, right? I didn’t do anything at all.”

Kaworu smiled softly. “We will improve with more practice.”

“Uh… I should be getting home,” Shinji said. When he saw Kaworu’s face fall, though, he quickly added, “B-But we can try again tomorrow! I’ll have more time then.”

“Really, Shinji-kun? You really want to?”

“Sure!”

As Shinji headed home, he couldn’t help but reflect on the afternoon’s events. He _kissed_ Kaworu! It wasn’t a very dignified kiss, but it was still a kiss! He had had his first kiss! With _Kaworu!_

He wondered why Kaworu had suggested it in the first place. Perhaps Kaworu had already asked other classmates if they would practice with him, and they had turned him down. Why else would he have been so eager to suggest kissing Shinji?

Regardless, Shinji was just happy to be getting some experience in a way that wasn’t totally embarrassing. For next time, though, he decided to do some research too. Kaworu wouldn’t be the only one with tricks up his sleeve!

Shinji arrived home to find Asuka draped languidly across the couch with an indifferent-looking Rei sitting on the floor below her. They were watching something on the television, and both seemed to be too distracted to notice Shinji, which was a good thing. Shinji wasn’t in the mood to be grilled by Asuka; especially not in front of Rei. He was able to slink away into his bedroom, unnoticed…

“Yo! Shinji!”

Damn it. Shinji’s shoulders slumped and he shuffled back over to where Asuka was sitting. “Yeah?”

“Where were you?”

“Uh, I was at Kaworu’s.”

“Oh? What were you doing?”

“N-None of your business!”

Asuka grinned mischievously. “You’re getting defensive! You’re hiding something!”

Shinji crossed his arms and unintentionally pouted. “No, I am _not!”_

“You are acting in a very defensive manner, Ikari-kun,” Rei chimed in.

“D-Don’t gang up on me!”

Asuka waved her hand dismissively. “Alright, move! The show’s back on and you’re blocking the TV.”

Shinji grumbled under his breath and retreated to his room. He was _not_ about to tell Asuka about what he had been doing with Kaworu. Not that it was embarrassing, or anything, because it wasn’t _like that,_ but… Asuka’s teasing would have been relentless. Nobody needed to know about this embarrassing arrangement!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji endures some teasing, and he and Kaworu get in some more practice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay it took a lot longer to update than i had anticipated and im super sorry about that!! im taking summer courses in uni and they're kicking my ass lol, but i get a break for a little bit so i have been working hard at this fic!!

School was very awkward the next day.

“You seem...different, puppy boy,” Mari said as she leaned over Shinji’s desk, peering at him inquisitively.

Shinji’s back stiffened defensively and he narrowed his eyes at Mari. “D-Different how? I’m not different. Nothing’s different!”

“No, something’s definitely up with him!” Asuka chimed in from several desks away. “He came home all shifty last night, but he didn’t tell me what he had been up to.”

“Oh?” Mari asked, leering at Shinji like an animal cornering its prey.

“Yeah,” Asuka said, seemingly oblivious to Shinji’s eyes staring daggers at her. “He said he was at Kaworu’s.”

“Ohhhh?" Mari repeated. “That’s interesting.” She leaned further over Shinji’s desk.

Shinji stiffened, pushing his back against his chair in an effort to make more space between them. “Uhh...yeah.”

“Did you fall victim to his charms? He is very charming.”

“U-Uh...no,” Shinji said, maintaining his irritated glare despite the blush burning his cheeks. “We were just, I don’t know, hanging out. It’s not like I’m hiding anything…” He shrugged, then looked at Asuka. “What’s the point of recounting every boring detail of my life to you as soon as I get home? Why would I do that?”

Asuka still peered at him suspiciously. “I don’t know… You seem like you’re hiding something.”

Shinji rolled his eyes. He was about to say something dismissive, but he spotted Kaworu coming over. He suddenly realized that he hadn’t told Kaworu not to tell anyone about their new agreement, and he felt a sudden flare of anxiety in his stomach.

“Good morning, Shinji-kun,” he nearly purred, draping his arm across Shinji’s shoulders.

“U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-Um--”

Mari and Asuka raised their eyebrows. Thankfully, the teacher walked in, so they couldn’t say anything about it.

For the rest of the day, Shinji did his best to avoid anyone who could possibly interrogate him about recent events. He even went so far as to avoid Kaworu to prevent anyone from finding more reason to be suspicious, which was difficult. He didn’t realize how much Kaworu clung to him until he deliberately tried to avoid him.

When he was ready to leave school, he told Asuka to tell Misato-san that he would be home late. She asked why, so he told her that he was going to the library to study.

“You’re going alone?” She asked with the beginnings of a knowing smirk.

“Yes,” Shinji said pointedly. “I am going alone.” He paused. “Without Kaworu-kun.”

“Alright,” Asuka said as if she didn’t really believe him. “See ya later.”

He watched her leave and waited until he was sure she was gone. Then he went to find Kaworu.

“Oh, Shinji-kun!” Kaworu said once Shinji found him. “Are you coming over again tonight?”

“Y-Yes,” Shinji said. He was already getting nervous about what they were going to do.

“Wonderful!” Kaworu said, smiling brightly.

Shinji stiffened when Kaworu put his hand on the small of Shinji’s back to lead him away, but he didn’t immediately shrug him off. Most of the other students had already gone home, after all, and he didn’t know anyone who was still around. After a minute or two, though, he became too aware of the pressure and heat of Kaworu’s hand through the fabric of his shirt, so he gently knocked his arm away.

“I did a lot of studying last night,” Kaworu said as they approached his building.

“Oh? Do we have a test coming up?” Shinji asked, racking his brain for anything one of their teachers may have said.

“No. I meant about kissing,” Kaworu said casually.

Shinji’s face burned and he had to swallow before speaking “O-Oh…” he said in what he hoped was a calm voice. “Right. Um. Well, that’s good.” He didn’t admit that he had done a bit of research himself before he went to bed the night before.

“Do you still want to practice with me? It’s okay if you’ve changed your mind. I won’t force you into anything.”

“Um. N-No, I… um… I don’t mind if we keep doing it.” Shinji got embarrassed at his choice of words, so he rushed to clarify. “K-Kissing, I mean, not, um…”

Kaworu chuckled. “I understand, Shinji-kun. I didn’t think you meant anything else.”

They arrived at Kaworu’s apartment building, so their conversation took a pause as they went up the stairs and Kaworu dug through his backpack for his keys. Shinji should have taken the opportunity to drop the subject, but he was a little bit curious. Just a little bit. So, once they were inside the apartment, he asked.

“Um, I… um... “ He looked everywhere but at Kaworu. “Y-You’ve never… done that with anyone, have you?”

Shinji wasn’t looking at Kaworu’s face, but he knew Kaworu had raised his eyebrows at him. “Shinji-kun, you mean… you mean if I’ve ever had sex with anyone?”

“Uh… yeah.”

He heard Kaworu suppress a laugh. “Of course not, Shinji-kun. You know I’ve never kissed anyone before, so what would make you think…?”

Shinji finally looked up at Kaworu to glower at him. “I don’t know! I just wanted to make sure! I… haven’t, either, and I didn’t want to think I was the only one.”

“Don’t worry; you’re not.” Kaworu smiled warmly and stepped forward. He placed his arms on Shinji’s waist and asked, “Are you ready to practice now?”

Shinji’s heart thumped so hard he worried it would burst out of his ribcage. “C-Can we sit down first?”

“Of course.”

They sat on Kaworu’s ratty old sofa. Shinji took a deep breath and looked up at Kaworu shyly through his eyelashes. He thought he noticed Kaworu blushing a little bit.

“Shinji-kun,” Kaworu barely-whispered, before placing his hand on Shinji’s cheek and kissing him suddenly. Shinji got all flustered for a split second before remembering that _of course_ Kaworu was kissing him. That was the whole point of this.

He got all flustered again, though, when Kaworu pushed him back against the sofa cushion until they were horizontal.

“K-K-Kaworu-kun --” Shinji stammered, more out of shock than protest, before Kaworu shut him up with his mouth again.

Shinji tried his very hardest to remember what he had learned about kissing from his Google searches the night before, but his head was too foggy. Kaworu had certainly learned a lot since yesterday. He had already slipped his tongue into Shinji’s mouth, but Shinji didn’t fight it this time. He was too distracted to remember how embarrassing this all was.

It was only when Kaworu pulled back that Shinji realized he had his hands tangled in Kaworu’s hair. He offhandedly noted how soft it was.

“I-I’m sorry, Shinji-kun,” Kaworu said, sounding uncharacteristically flustered. He was definitely blushing now.

“Don’t worry about it,” Shinji answered softly. He didn’t move his hands from where they were. “We can keep going, if you want.”

“Alright,” Kaworu said, still sounding out of breath. “Do you mind if I try something else first?”

“Um… sure.” Shinji didn’t really know what he was getting himself into, but he figured he could trust Kaworu enough not to do anything he wouldn’t be okay with.

Kaworu smiled softly and shifted down the couch a little bit. Shinji took in a sharp breath when he felt the wetness of Kaworu’s mouth pressing below his jaw.

“Is this okay?” Kaworu asked, surprisingly tentative.

Shinji nodded, but he wasn’t sure if Kaworu could tell he was nodding or not, so he said, “Yeah.” His voice came out thicker than he thought it would.

Kaworu didn’t hold back after that. He started sucking at the patch of skin he had been working at before taking it between his teeth and giving it a gentle bite. As he slid his mouth over Shinji’s neck, stopping to nibble at it every so often, he slowly slid his hand up Shinji’s shirt. He gently stroked along the side of Shinji’s waist. Shinji didn’t try to stop him.

Shinji realized, after a minute or two, that he was getting hard. He was getting hard from what Kaworu was doing. Kaworu was making him hard. 

He placed his hand over where Kaworu’s hand was under his shirt in an effort to still him. “U-Um, Kaworu-kun… Maybe we should stop.”

“You want to stop?”

It wasn’t that he necessarily _wanted_ to stop, but… “Um… Well. I think we should.”

“Why? We can stop if you really want to, of course, but…”

Shinji pressed his mouth into a flat line. “Um.”

“Shinji-kun?”

Shinji avoided Kaworu’s inquisitive gaze and tried to squirm out from under him. Kaworu eased off of him so Shinji could sit up. He wasn’t fast enough, though, because he noticed how Kaworu glanced at Shinji’s lap for a split second, then looked up at the ceiling.

“I’m sorry, Shinji-kun, it wasn’t my intention to --”

“I know! I know you don’t want to do that sort of thing. _I’m_ sorry.”

Kaworu looked Shinji in the eye again. “I didn’t mean I didn’t want to, Shinji-kun. I meant to say that I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable like that.”

“It’s okay, it’ll go away,” Shinji said dismissively. Then he realized what Kaworu had just said. “Wait… you… you don’t… not want to? What? Really?”

“Not if you don’t want to, Shinji-kun. If you want to practice that sort of thing, too, though… I would be more than happy to let you do that with me.”

Practice. Right. That’s what this was. Shinji knew that, of course… It wasn’t like he _liked_ Kaworu or anything like that, right?

Right?

Right. He didn’t. Sure, maybe Kaworu was kind of cute, and pretty cool, and he was a very kind and reliable person, and he seemed to genuinely enjoy spending time with Shinji…

“I-I want to,” Shinji said without really thinking about it.

Kaworu’s eyes went wide. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” Shinji said, feeling more sure about it.

Kaworu smiled and breathed out what sounded like a sigh of relief. He leaned forward and kissed Shinji again, more softly and with much less tongue this time. Shinji let it happen for a few seconds before he gently pushed Kaworu away.

“It is getting kind of late, though, so I don’t think --”

“You can stay over, if you want,” Kaworu cut in.

Shinji was taken aback at Kaworu’s urgency. Was he really that eager to lose his virginity?

“U-Um, I would like to, but I told Asuka I was studying in the library.” He noticed Kaworu raising an eyebrow at him, so he continued to explain. “When I came home last night, she and Rei were teasing me because they thought I was hiding something. Which, I mean, I was, because of the whole… thing. So, um, this morning, Mari said I ‘looked different’, so Asuka told her that I had been with you yesterday, and then they started teasing me about _that_...” He paused. “I just didn’t want to add fuel to the fire, you know? And she would know I was lying if I didn’t come home tonight.”

“And you don’t want them to find out about what we’ve been doing?” Kaworu asked.

“O-Of course not!” Shinji barked. “I’d never hear the end of it if she knew I was making out with my best friend because I couldn’t find anyone else!”

Kaworu’s expression seemed to harden a little bit. His usual placid smile seemed oddly forced. “Right. That makes sense, Shinji-kun. I can see why that would be embarrassing.”

An uncomfortable silence fell between them. Shinji desperately wanted to break it, but he couldn’t think of anything, so he just said, “I should get going. And, um… thanks for going along with this again.”

“Right,” Kaworu said, not looking at Shinji.

Shinji paused. “Are you okay?”

Kaworu blinked and looked up. He smiled again. “Of course, Shinji-kun. Have a good night.”

Shinji wondered the whole way home about why Kaworu had seemed so weird. He replayed what had happened over and over in his head, but he couldn’t pinpoint a moment where something happened to make him close off like that.

When he got home, Shinji was relieved to find that Asuka was nowhere in sight. He had almost made it to safety when she came out of her room and stopped him in the hallway.

“Oh, hey, you’re home,” she said. She looked like she was about to say something else, but she stopped and gave Shinji a once-over before smirking. “Where were you?”

“At the library,” Shinji lied. “I already told you.”

“And you were alone?”

“Yes,” Shinji said, getting kind of annoyed.

“And you didn’t go anywhere else?”

“No!” Shinji snapped.

“Alright,” Asuka said, smirk returning to her face. “Good night.”

“Whatever,” Shinji mumbled before going in his room and shutting the door behind him.

As soon as he turned the light on, he caught his reflection in the mirror on his wall and immediately noticed his neck was covered in hickies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shinji's a dumbass lol


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji realizes something(?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god i am so sorry for taking so long to update!!!

This was stupid. This was a dumb idea. Shinji knew that this was the worst thing they could be doing, but here he was anyway, waiting at the train station for Kaworu.

“Shinji-kun,” Kaworu had said during their most recent practice-makeout, “I think that, before we go further, we should practice...public displays of affection.”

“W-What do you mean?! We can't do this in public…”

“Of course not, Shinji-kun. But you want to do this with other people in the future, right? You will probably need to go on at least one date with them before you get to this stage.”

Shinji had frowned at Kaworu’s suggestion, but he knew it was true. “What are you saying?”

“I think we should go on a date.”

Shinji had argued that, if they were to go out in public acting all lovey with each other, they would probably be noticed by someone from their school. Kaworu countered that by suggesting that they take the train to a nearby town to lower that possibility. Shinji had tried to get out of it, but Kaworu’s reasoning was solid. Shinji would have to go on a real date, eventually, if he ever wanted to put all this practice to good use.

So here he was, waiting to go on a _goddamn date_ with Kaworu. He was so busy silently fuming to himself that he didn't notice when Kaworu walked up.

“Good afternoon, Shinji-kun,” Kaworu greeted before leaning in and giving Shinji a quick peck on the cheek. Shinji immediately stiffened, wiping the spot Kaworu had kissed with the back of his hand.

“What are you d-doing?! We’re not out of town yet! Someone could see us!”

Kaworu didn't seem bothered. “Is that such a bad thing?”

“Yes!” Shinji barked, unable to control the grumpy pout on his face. “If someone sees us together like this, they’ll think we’re...you know…”

Kaworu chuckled, sliding his arm around Shinji’s waist despite Shinji’s indignant sputtering. “You are very cute.”

“Gah! No! Don't say that! Someone could hear!”

Kaworu laughed again and pressed another kiss against Shinji’s temple. He was being a little _too_ convincing with this whole PDA thing. If an outsider were to see them, they wouldn't know that this was all pretend. They would think that Kaworu and Shinji were actually on a date!

Just then, the train pulled up, so Shinji weaved out of Kaworu’s hold and moved forward. The train car was fairly empty, so they managed to find two seats together. Kaworu reached for Shinji’s hand and held it. Shinji looked down at their joined hands, then looked up at Kaworu with a slight glare. Kaworu sighed.

“You know,” Kaworu said in a low voice, so as not to disturb the other passengers, “You did not need to come along with me if you truly did not want to. You can go home now, if you want.”

“I-It's not that! I just don't want people thinking that I’m…I don't want them thinking that...you know...that I like boys!”

Kaworu's eyebrows raised just the slightest bit. “Oh. I see.” He let go of Shinji’s hand and focused his attention on the window.

Shinji breathed a sigh of relief, although he couldn't help but feel a little bit guilty. They had agreed to practice being affectionate in public, right? Kaworu was only trying to be helpful. Shinji glanced around the train car, noting that he didn't recognize anyone around them. Tentatively, he reached for Kaworu’s hand again. He turned his head away when Kaworu looked at him in surprise.

Neither of them really spoke during the train ride, because the train car was very quiet and they didn't want to bother anyone. Kaworu had the window seat, so the only thing Shinji had to focus on was the feeling of Kaworu’s hand in his own. He thought about that fact that he was on a date with Kaworu, holding his hand, appearing to the rest of the world as if they were a couple. The more he thought about it, the harder his heart thumped in his ears. He had a sudden urge to do something, to pull Kaworu down by his collar and kiss him, but he knew that was a bad idea. He settled on resting his head on Kaworu’s shoulder. A moment later, he felt Kaworu lean into him.

Shinji wasn't sure why he was doing this. After all, he was only going to be going on real dates with girls, and all the girls he knew were a lot smaller than he was, so why would he need to practice this? Why would he ever need to get used to curling against someone bigger than him like this?

Kaworu pulled Shinji out of his racing thoughts by gently lifting his chin and kissing him softly, careful to keep it chaste enough that they wouldn't get carried away.

Why was Shinji so worried about getting carried away? Why did he find himself wishing that Kaworu could push him flat against the seats and take it further? Shinji didn't like boys!

...Did he?

Okay...maybe Shinji occasionally caught himself staring at the back of Kaworu’s head a lot in class, particularly fixated on the few inches of exposed neck between his hair and the collar of his shirt, or glancing for a few seconds too long at Kaworu’s lips while they chatted during lunch. Maybe he had let thoughts of Kaworu linger in his head for a second too long when he was jerking off the other night…

But! Shinji had only ever had experience with another boy. It’s understandable that that was going to influence who he was attracted to, right? Kaworu was all that Shinji knew. Of _course_ Shinji would be used to the idea of doing those things with Kaworu. That didn't mean Shinji liked boys. Wanting another boy to fuck you didn't have to be _gay,_ right?

Shinji pulled away from Kaworu, only to find Kaworu smiling at him fondly.

Fuck.

Shinji was gay. Shinji was gay for Kaworu.

Wait, wait, wait! No! Not necessarily! What had Shinji just got done telling himself?! These “feelings” for Kaworu were just… They were nothing. They didn't mean anything. They only existed because Shinji had been spending so much time kissing him _in a totally cool bro way._

The train stopped. Shinji was extremely relieved at having a distraction from his thoughts. His gay, gay thoughts.

Kaworu suggested they go to the zoo. Shinji was reluctant to go to a tourist attraction like that, because it would only increase the likelihood of running into someone, but Kaworu pouted so hard that Shinji gave in pretty quick.

As Kaworu paid the entry fee, Shinji made a deal with himself: he was going to go along with whatever Kaworu wanted, and he was going to be as affectionate with Kaworu as was legally allowed, and he was going to forget that this was a pretend date. He was going to act as though this was a real date with Kaworu, and if he ended up enjoying himself, then he had his answer.

There were a lot of people at the zoo, obviously, so Shinji was a bit nervous. But why should he be? They were just on a date. Lots of straight couples were here, too, going on a date just like Kaworu and Shinji were. He had just as much right as anyone else to be here.

Shinji steeled his nerves and grabbed Kaworu’s hand. Kaworu raised an eyebrow at him.

“Shinji-kun? Is there somewhere you would like to go first?” Kaworu asked, interpreting Shinji’s hand-grab as a desire to lead him somewhere.

“N-No, no, I just...wanted to hold your hand, okay? We’re on a date, aren’t we?”

Kaworu looked taken aback for a second, but then he smiled. “Yes, we are.”

“Alright! Well, let’s go date over by the giraffes!”

Kaworu chuckled. “I don't think that's how you use the word ‘date’, Shinji-kun…”

“Whatever! I wanna see a baby giraffe.”

They went to see the baby giraffe. After watching in awe as it ate some leaves, Kaworu said he wanted to see the monkeys. They enthusiastically watched as the monkeys jumped around their spacious enclosure. Once that got boring, Shinji wanted to see the penguins. As they went around and watched every animal, Shinji never once let go of Kaworu's hand.

By the time they finished, it was almost dark. Shinji was so tired from all the walking around that he leaned into Kaworu for support as they made their way back to the train station. Kaworu let go of Shinji’s hand only to place it on his waist a split second later.

“That was really fun, Kaworu-kun,” Shinji mumbled in his sleepy state.

“Yes. I’m glad you came with me,” Kaworu murmured before kissing the top of Shinji’s head.

When they boarded the train again, it was even emptier than it had been earlier that day. They sat at the back of the train car. Shinji must have fallen asleep on Kaworu’s shoulder because the trip seemed to have lasted all of two seconds.

“We’re here, Shinji-kun,” Kaworu whispered, gently nudging Shinji with his elbow. 

“Oh,” Shinji mumbled, still foggy from sleep. “Okay.”

They alighted from the train car and left the platform. They were closer to Shinji’s apartment than they were to Kaworu’s, so Shinji kind of expected Kaworu to offer to walk him there, to make sure he got some safely. Kaworu seemed to have other plans in mind, as he cleared his throat and turned to face Shinji.

“It has come to my attention that we haven’t eaten dinner yet, and that it is a quintessential date experience which I don’t think we should miss out on. Would you like to come over to eat at my apartment? You could, um...stay overnight, too, if you wanted.” He paused. “Only if you want to, of course. I don’t mean to...pressure you into anything.”

Shinji gulped. This was it. He could tell by Kaworu’s sheepish behaviour that he was suggesting that they finally go further.

Shinji inexplicably felt his throat go dry. Why was he so on edge? Shinji and Kaworu had spent years and years in close proximity, being best friends, which should have gotten Shinji used to being around him by now. Shinji definitely thought he was used to Kaworu by now. As of recently, though, Kaworu made him nervous.

If that wasn't bad enough, the thought of -- the thought of… doing _that_ sort of thing with Kaworu… Shinji’s hands trembled just thinking about it. He was mostly nervous about being intimate and vulnerable like that with another person, of course, but…

What if Shinji liked it? What if he liked it _a lot?_ What if he liked doing it _because it was with Kaworu?_

Shinji took a deep breath, pushed his worries aside, and told Kaworu he would _love_ to come over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shinji's self-argument over his sexuality is very #relatable
> 
> also when i talk about shinji wanting to date girls, i mean that in like a compulsory heterosexuality way, ya kno


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIG OL' REMINDER that shinji and kaworu are aged-up in this fic... they're still in high school but they're 18... you can be 18 years old in high school... remember that they are not minors... thank you
> 
> also i am posting this on the same day as the previous chapter, so make sure you're up to date before reading this one!

Despite his earlier self-directed pep talk, Shinji felt his veins run cold when Kaworu stuck his key in the lock and opened the door. After they had entered the apartment, Shinji was desperate to say something, _anything,_ to break the awkward silence. Kaworu must not have thought the silence between them was awkward, though, because as soon as he had shut the door behind them, he had Shinji pinned against it. Shinji barely got a syllable out before Kaworu’s lips were on his own.

Kaworu always seemed very eager to start kissing Shinji. Shinji wondered why that was.

After only a few seconds, Kaworu pulled back, though he didn't move away from Shinji. He cleared his throat. “Shinji-kun...would you like to eat dinner first? Or would you rather --”

“Please don't ask me if I would rather have dessert. Please don't call this ‘dessert’.”

Kaworu chuckled. “You can see right through me, darling.”

 _Darling._ One word shouldn't be enough to make Shinji melt, but here he was, actually _swooning_ and leaning into Kaworu again.

“I take it you want to wait until after to eat?” Kaworu asked before kissing Shinji once, softly.

Shinji decided that he was gonna give this his all. He figured that since he had the opportunity, he should try his best to see what this thing with Kaworu would be like if it were real.

He looked up at Kaworu through his lashes in an effort to seem cute. “Yeah. I wanna do it with you first.”

Kaworu raised his eyebrows and blinked in surprise, though he composed himself shortly after. “O-Oh, I see… Are you sure?”

Shinji nodded. “Yeah.”

That seemed to be enough reassurance for Kaworu. He pushed Shinji back against the door again, kissing him passionately. Shinji moaned, half out of surprise, and hugged Kaworu close.

Relax, Shinji told himself. Kaworu is just practicing.

Kaworu broke away from Shinji, panting heavily. “Do you want to go to my room?”

“God, yes,” Shinji sighed, forgetting completely what he had just told himself a second ago. He slid his hand from Kaworu’s chest down to his groin, feeling around the bulge there.

“S-Shinji-kun!” Kaworu gasped, sounding more aroused than shocked. “What has gotten into you?!”

Shinji wanted to say something like _nothing's gotten into me, yet,_ but it had taken so much courage to get to this point that he didn't have any extra to spare. He just gazed at Kaworu, hoping that was a sufficient response.

“Are you sure about this, Shinji-kun? You can still change your mind whenever you want.”

“I want this,” Shinji whispered, serious all of a sudden.

Kaworu nodded a few times. Shinji then felt Kaworu’s hand on his back, and in a flash of motion he was off the floor, cradled in Kaworu’s absurdly strong arms.

“W-What are you doing?!” Shinji stammered. He had no choice but to loop his arms around Kaworu’s shoulders to stop himself from falling, which was more embarrassing than it should have been.

“I’m trying to maintain the mood we have set,” Kaworu explained as he carried Shinji to his room, setting him down on his bed.

Shinji looked at the ceiling, trying to calm himself down. A second layer, he felt the mattress shift with Kaworu’s weight, so he turned on his side to face him.

Kaworu smiled at him. It looked very fond and sincere, which made Shinji’s stomach flip. Kaworu reached a hand out to rest on Shinji’s cheek. Shinji found it difficult to control his breathing as Kaworu leaned in to kiss him again.

When their lips met, Kaworu slid his hand from Shinji’s cheek down to his waist. After a moment, he tentatively moved it down to his hip. He kept sliding it closer and closer until it was almost touching Shinji’s ass, but not quite. Shinji really wanted Kaworu to just grab his ass already. He didn't want to acknowledge why, so he grabbed Kaworu’s jaw and kissed him deeper instead of dwelling on his feelings.

Shinji moaned in the back of his throat when Kaworu finally _did_ grab his ass. He felt like he should have been embarrassed about it, but Kaworu didn't seem weirded out or anything, so Shinji didn't care.

“How do you want to do this, Shinji-kun? I’m sure you know, one of us has to --”

“I want you to fuck me,” Shinji breathed. He realized what he said a moment later and blushed fiercely. ‘I-I mean…”

Kaworu looked like a tomato. He gaped at Shinji for a moment before clearing his throat and replying, “Okay.”

“I didn’t mean for that to come out so… the way it did…” Shinji tried to backpedal. “I just mean, um, I’m… I prefer… um. I just… I like… that. You know?”

“I understand,” Kaworu said, smiling reassuringly. “I, um… I want to fuck you.”

Shinji knew that Kaworu was just saying that to make Shinji feel better about his choice of words, but _holy shit_ Shinji was unbelievably turned on.

"O-Okay. Um... Good," he stammered.

“We will have to undress in order to go any further. Would you mind taking your shirt off?” Kaworu asked.

Shinji started undoing his buttons instead of answering. He had to shift away from Kaworu for a moment to pull his undershirt over his head, but in a few seconds his shirts were on the floor and Kaworu’s hands were on his skin.

“Shinji-kun,” Kaworu whispered like a mantra as he nuzzled and kissed all over Shinji’s chest. His wandering hands found the waistband of Shinji’s pants and started working to get them undone.

“K-Kaworu-kun!”

Kaworu's hands stilled. “I apologize. Do you not want me to remove the rest of your clothes?”

“N-No, you can take them off, it just...surprised me.” He took a deep breath. “Go ahead.”

He stared at the ceiling as Kaworu got to work again, trying not to think too hard about the fact that in a few seconds, his dick would be out. Kaworu would be able to see his dick. Kaworu was gonna _touch Shinji's dick._ Shinji felt his belt loosen, and then he heard his zipper being undone. A moment later, Kaworu asked him to lift up his hips so he could slide his pants down his legs. He heard Kaworu’s breath waver before he hastily slid Shinji’s briefs down, too.

Shinji forced himself not to shy away when Kaworu settled between his legs, spreading them apart to give himself more room. He noticed Kaworu’s gaze lingering on what was now on display, which made him self-conscious. Was there something weird about him? Did Kaworu think he was gross?

“S-Shinji-kun, there’s something I want to try, actually, now that I’m...down here.”

Kaworu asked Shinji to roll over. Shinji had a suspicion of what Kaworu wanted to do, but it wasn't confirmed until he felt Kaworu’s breath against his hole. He was close enough that Shinji could feel his lips ghosting over his skin.

“W-What are you doing?! That's…!”

Kaworu spoke with his lips still lingering over Shinji’s hole. “Do you want me to stop?”

Shinji buried his face in his arms as he mumbled out his answer. “N-No…keep going.”

Shinji heard Kaworu chuckle, and then -- _and then._

If someone had told Shinji a month ago that he would be naked on Kaworu’s bed -- the same bed they used to use for slumber parties when they were much much younger -- with Kaworu going down on him, Shinji would have laughed. Well, actually, he probably would have been very indignant and flustered, but either way, he wouldn't have believed it. But here he was, getting his ass eaten by his best friend!

Kaworu reached over to his bedside table and rummaged through the drawer with one hand, not once breaking contact with Shinji. After a minute or two, he pulled back, only to replace his mouth with his fingertips.

“Is it alright if I put my fingers inside of you, Shinji-kun?”

“Y-Yes,” Shinji sighed. He arched his back a little bit and added, “Please.”

Kaworu pressed a kiss to Shinji’s lower back and slipped his index finger through the ring of muscle. Shinji gasped, arching his back again.

“Are you okay?”

Shinji laughed into the pillow beneath him. “I can take a lot more than that. Gimme another.”

Kaworu slipped his middle finger in alongside the other one. “Do you do this to yourself, Shinji-kun?”

“Um… Yeah, I’ve done it a few times,” Shinji lied. He had done it _way_ more than just a few times. It usually didn't feel this good, though. Shinji wondered if that was only because Kaworu was doing it for him.

Kaworu reached around and started jerking Shinji off with his other hand, which was a little bit cold, but Shinji didn't really care. All that mattered to him was that there was a hand on his dick and fingers in his ass and that they were Kaworu's.

"Shinji-kun," Kaworu said, sounding out of breath, "Do you want me to keep going until you come?"

Shinji buried his burning face in the pillow. "S-Sure..."

Kaworu pressed a kiss against Shinji's _fucking ass cheek_ in response. Shinji couldn't help but rock his hips back against Kaworu's fingers, which were now pressing against his prostate. Kaworu must have sensed his urgency because he sped up the hand on Shinji's cock, although his movements were still strangely tender. The way he was treating Shinji, it felt like Kaworu really cherished him... Shinji let himself believe that, just for the moment... Just until he came, anyway.

The illusion he had created for himself broke when Kaworu took his hands off Shinji and rolled him over onto his back. Shinji was about to protest, but -- oh, God, Kaworu was -- Kaworu was sucking his dick, now. Kaworu put Shinji's dick in his mouth. And his fingers were in Shinji's ass again. Shinji's head was going to explode.

"K-Kaworu-kun...!"

Kaworu looked up at Shinji, meeting his gaze. He pulled his mouth off Shinji's dick with a wet pop, jerking him off instead until he came over Kaworu's hand. Shinji was still catching his breath when he looked at Kaworu and saw him lick his fingers clean.

With a new purpose in mind, Shinji sat up, pushing Kaworu flat against the bed and crawling further down. 

“Is something the matter?” Kaworu asked, wiping his mouth with the back of his arm.

“I wanna try doing something to you, too,” Shinji whispered. He placed his hand on Kaworu’s still-clothed cock to ensure his point went across.

“Ah -- Shinji-kun, you really don’t have to --”

“I want to do it,” Shinji purred. His head was too clouded with lust to allow him to think properly.

Kaworu didn’t say anything, but he didn’t try to stop Shinji when he started to unzip his pants. Shinji’s hands shook slightly as he tugged Kaworu’s pants down his hips, leaving them bunched up at his thighs. Then he was faced with the sight of Kaworu’s hard cock straining against his briefs, and…

Shinji didn’t think he could possibly be running any more on instinct than he already was, but when he pulled Kaworu’s waistband down and saw the way his cock sprang up and slapped wetly against his abdomen, he was totally fucking gone. He was pretty sure he heard Kaworu say something, but it didn’t sound like it was anything worrying, so he kept going. He angled Kaworu’s cock up towards his lips, glancing up at Kaworu to look for any signs of discomfort. He found none.

Shinji knew that it didn't make any sense for this to count as practice. How often was he gonna be sucking a dick if he was strictly dating girls? Sure, it could happen, but he figured the likelihood was low. Regardless, he wrapped his lips around the tip and sucked at the head, tentative. Kaworu stuttered out a moan and reached out, pawing at Shinji’s hair.

“Oh, God, Shinji-kun…!”

Shinji could taste Kaworu’s precome as it leaked out. He -- ugh, God -- he liked it. He liked having a dick in his mouth. He liked having _Kaworu's_ dick in his mouth. Kaworu seemed to like it, too, but of course he would. His dick was in someone's mouth; why wouldn't he like that? Every time Shinji bobbed his head, taking in more each time, Kaworu made these cute little noises... Shinji vaguely registered that he was the one making Kaworu make those noises. He was the one making Kaworu make that fucking _face..._ God, Shinji wanted to keep sucking his dick forever. Did that make him gay?

“S-Shinji-kun, I'll... I'm going to...!"

Shinji ignored him. He sucked harder when he noticed Kaworu’s muscles tense and felt Kaworu’s hands tighten in his hair. Shinji’s mouth watered as he realized Kaworu was going to come in his mouth, down his throat. He wanted Kaworu's come inside him in whatever way he could get it. He wanted Kaworu to mark him.

He wanted to be Kaworu's.

Kaworu breathed out a shaky moan when he finally came. Shinji nearly choked when more come than he was expecting pumped down his throat. He tried as hard as he could to swallow it all, but some of it dripped down his chin.

Once he was calmer, Shinji was embarrassed at his own actions. He hadn't realized how much he would enjoy going down on another guy. Kaworu reached a hand out once he had regained his bearings, seemingly in an attempt to wipe the come from Shinji’s chin, but Shinji brushed his hand away. He did what Kaworu had done earlier and licked Kaworu’s come off his own fingers. Kaworu swore under his breath, then pulled Shinji up to his level again so he could kiss him.

“Not that I didn't appreciate it, Shinji-kun,” Kaworu murmured, “But why did you continue until I finished? I thought you wanted to go all the way?”

“We can still do that,” Shinji mumbled, resting his face against Kaworu’s chest. “We have all night, right?”

“True,” Kaworu agreed. “Although I think you should rest for now. I will go prepare dinner while you take a nap here.”

“Huh? No, I don't wanna sleep! I can help you…”

“No, Shinji-kun. If you want to have enough energy to continue later, you need to rest.”

Shinji grumbled a half-hearted protest, but even he could see that he was quickly nodding off. Kaworu pecked Shinji on the cheek before leaving him to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter should be up really soon, it's already written!! i just wanna make sure it's presentable lol


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things don't go as expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i've posted 3 chapters in one day so make sure you're all caught up before continuing!!

Kaworu felt like jumping across the rooftops and singing about how much he loved his dear, beloved Shinji. He couldn't believe what had just happened! Even if Shinji was just pretending --

Kaworu sighed.

No, that's right. Shinji _was_ just pretending. And Kaworu was taking advantage of his naive, trusting nature. It wasn't as though Shinji wasn't consenting to what they were doing -- Kaworu made sure Shinji was okay with whatever they did -- but he still felt creepy. Kaworu knew he had no right to be celebrating the recent change in their relationship, because it _wasn't_ a change. Shinji still saw Kaworu as just a friend.

Kaworu put some instant rice in a pot with some water and turned the stove on. Once it started to boil, he let himself get lost in his thoughts again. Should he tell Shinji how he feels? He pondered which was worse: being unfulfilled and stuck in a one-sided relationship with Shinji for the rest of his life, or potentially tarnishing their friendship by complicating things. The worse one was _clearly_ the latter! He couldn't tell Shinji that he loved him. That was too much. But if he wasn't going to tell Shinji the truth, then… The longer this went on, the more Kaworu would get used to it, and that wasn't fair to Shinji. Shinji didn't deserve the burden of Kaworu’s feelings. Kaworu needed to tell him --

“Kaworu-kun?”

Kaworu turned to look at the source of the sound. There was Shinji, rubbing one eye with the back of his hand, wearing Kaworu’s shirt _and nothing else!_ He was so cute!

“Oh, Shinji-kun! You're awake. Did you get enough rest?”

“Yeah.” He walked over to Kaworu and wrapped his arms around his waist. “What are you making?”

“R-Rice…” Kaworu managed to stammer despite the flutter in his chest. “I, um, I know that it isn't much, but…”

“It’s fine. Don't worry about it.”

Kaworu hugged Shinji back. His hands seemed to slide down Shinji’s hips on their own… Oh. Shinji wasn't wearing any underwear. How interesting.

No, no, Kaworu needed to stop. He couldn't think about Shinji like that; not anymore. It wasn't right by Shinji, and... Truthfully, it wasn't fair to himself, either. He couldn't keep deluding himself and pretending that Shinji returned his feelings. It was creepy! Kaworu needed to stop being creepy.

The timer on the stove went off, so Kaworu was glad to have an excuse to release Shinji in order to attend to it. He scooped some rice into two bowls, noting that he made way too much. Shinji took one of the bowls and immediately started eating.

“Hhhhry mmp,” Shinji garbled through a mouthful of rice.

Kaworu chuckled. “I’m sorry?”

Shinji shoved one of the bowls towards Kaworu instead of making another attempt at speech.

"You want me to hurry up?" Kaworu guessed. Shinji nodded. Kaworu laughed, but he didn't fulfill Shinji's request, because he knew what Shinji wanted to do next. Kaworu needed time to make a decision on whether he was going to go along with it and enjoy the fleeting moment, or tell Shinji the truth, that they couldn't go on like this anymore.

*     *     *

It was ten minutes later that Shinji found himself under Kaworu again.

“Are you still stretched out enough from earlier?” Kaworu asked.

“I don't know,” Shinji said. “You should check to make sure.”

Kaworu retrieved the bottle of lube from where he had earlier tossed it on the floor. He coated two of his fingers and slid them inside Shinji again. Shinji moaned at the intrusion. It really did feel good -- he wasn't just putting it on for Kaworu’s sake. Why would he fake it, anyway? Shinji was sure that Kaworu wasn't paying that much attention to him; at least not in that way. Sure, Kaworu was clearly aroused, and he had already proved that he was able to come while doing this with Shinji, but that wasn't _because_ of Shinji. It was because Kaworu was a virgin and someone had been sucking him off. Most people would come from that.

“I think I’m good now,” Shinji told Kaworu. “You can. Um.” He paused. “You know, um...go in.”

Kaworu visibly swallowed. “O-Okay, then…”

Kaworu lined up his cock with Shinji’s hole and took a deep breath. Then, slowly, he pushed the head in.

“Ah!” Shinji gasped, tossing his head back against the pillow. He was totally unprepared for how Kaworu was going to feel inside of him. It was a bit uncomfortable due to the stretch, but it felt warm and he liked the feeling of fullness.

He looked up at Kaworu. The poor boy was clearly restraining himself: his arms were shaking and he had his eyes closed in concentration.

“Hey.” Shinji poked him between the eyebrows. Kaworu opened his eyes and blinked at Shinji.

“You can go in further.”

Kaworu kept his eyes on Shinji as he pushed in another inch or two. Shinji’s breath fluttered at the sensation of being parted even further, but it wasn't an unpleasant feeling.

Kaworu still wasn't saying anything.

“Are you alright?” Shinji asked. 

“Yes.” Kaworu’s voice was flat and emotionless. Shinji waited for Kaworu to speak again, or move, or do anything, really, but he just stayed frozen.

“Kaworu-kun?” Kaworu wouldn’t look Shinji in the eye. After a few more seconds of silence, he pulled out and moved away from Shinji.

“A-Are you okay? Kaworu-kun? Why aren’t you saying anything?” Shinji asked, now sitting upright.

“I don't think we should do this anymore, Shinji-kun.”

Shinji’s eyes widened and he felt the beginnings of panic building in his chest. “W-What do you mean?”

Kaworu was quiet for a moment. “I think you should leave, Shinji-kun.”

“What?”

Kaworu didn't say anything. Shinji looked over at him and saw Kaworu looking at his hands.

“Please,” Kaworu mumbled. “I want you to go home.”

This was it. Shinji had taken this too far and pushed Kaworu to do something he wasn’t comfortable with. Of course Kaworu didn’t think of Shinji as anything more than a friend, and he was only doing this as a favour to Shinji. But Shinji had gone and made it weird, using Kaworu as some kind of test subject to determine whether he liked boys or not. That was bad. That was a really bad thing for Shinji to have done, and he wanted to apologize to Kaworu and explain everything, but his voice was stuck in his throat. He felt like he was going to cry.

Shinji tried to put his clothes back on in a way that wasn't totally awkward, but it was difficult. He was pretty sure he had put his underwear on backwards but he didn't care. He just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

It was pretty late, so Shinji had no choice but to walk home. It was chilly outside and he didn’t have a jacket, but he had to just suck it up and deal with it. He couldn’t stop ruminating about how everything had gone so wrong so quickly.

When he got home, Shinji actually sought out Asuka. He wanted to confide in her about what was going on. If Asuka knew he was serious about it, she wouldn’t tell Mari and make fun of him for it. He was walking down the hall when he heard Misato call his name.

“Shinji. Get over here. I wanna talk to you.” Shinji turned around slowly to find Misato sitting at the table with three (presumably empty) cans of beer in front of her.

“Oh, um… I was actually going to talk to Asuka about something, but I guess it can wait...”

“She’s not here,” Misato said, absently swirling the can of beer in her hand. “She’s on a date.”

“Oh.” Shinji walked over and sat on the floor across from her. “What’s up? What did you want to talk to me about?”

Misato sighed. “I know I’m not actually your mom, or anything like that, but…” She sighed again. “I feel like a lonely old hag.”

Shinji was confused. “What? Why?”

“Asuka’s out with some college guy -- which, I mean… I can understand, but…” She groaned and slumped her head into her hands for a minute, then looked up at Shinji again. “Now you’re coming home with hickies all over your neck! You’re growing up. I knew Asuka was growing up, but I didn’t think _you_ would be doing it so soon.”

Shinji frowned at her. “I’m not a kid, you know.”

“Who have you been messing around with, anyway? What’s her name?” Shinji swallowed and fidgeted with his hands in his lap. “O-Or… uh, his name?” Misato tried again. Shinji cleared his throat.

“Y-Yeah, um… T-This is kind of embarrassing, but I want to talk to someone about this.” He paused. “Promise not to tell Asuka.”

Misato nodded. “Sure, yeah, tell me.”

Shinji went into the whole story about how he was already eighteen and had never kissed anyone before, so he had made an agreement with a friend to practice on each other. He could tell that Misato was trying hard not to laugh.

“So, who is it? Do I know him?”

Shinji’s cheeks burned. “No.”

“Oh. Okay.” She paused, eyeing Shinji with suspicion, but she let it pass.

“A-Anyway,” Shinji said, desperate to divert Misato from her line of questioning, “It’s not… I don't think it's gonna happen anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“He said he didn't want to do it anymore.”

“Oh? Really?”

“Yeah. It was kinda weird and out of nowhere, and he didn't seem mad or anything.” He sighed. “And it's not like Kawor-- I mean, um… it’s not like he's usually like that… I don't think he's ever told me to go away before.”

Misato was staring at him. “Did you say Kaworu?”

“Um… yeah.” Shinji swallowed. “It's Kaworu-kun.”

“You're seriously telling me that Kaworu _doesn't_ want to kiss you?”

Shinji's brow furrowed in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

“Nothing.” Misato shook her head. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure…?”

“Do you like him?”

“What? No! Of course not! I just...”

“Let me rephrase that,” she said, quickly cutting in. “Are you upset that Kaworu doesn't want to do those kinds of things with you anymore?”

“W-Well…” Shinji thought about it for a moment. “I mean, I guess, but… I think it's more that I'm just upset at being rejected.”

“You sure?”

“I-I think so, yeah.”

“So you don't like him? Not even a little bit?”

“No.”

Misato’s unwavering gaze burned into him.

“No! I don't like him!”

“Okay,” Misato said like she didn't believe him. “Then, if you don't like him, then it doesn’t matter. You've done enough practising, haven't you? You got what you wanted out of it. Just give it time, and things will go back to normal.” 

“But…” Shinji mumbled very _very_ quietly. “I don't want things to go back to normal.”

“And why is that?”

Shinji dropped his face into his hands in exasperation. “I don't know! I don't know why I want to keep…doing that stuff with him!” He slumped forward onto the table and buried his head in his arms. “And if I have to wait for things to go back to normal, then things _won’t_ be normal for a while, which means we probably won't hang out the way we used to, and…and…the thought of not hanging out with him…” He banged his forehead against the table a few times. “Fuck! God damn it! _Fuck!”_

“Hey! Watch your language!”

“What do I do?” Shinji asked, looking up at Misato. “There's no way Kaworu-kun feels that way about me! He was just going along with because he's a good friend! I think I made him uncomfortable by pushing him too far, and he probably wants nothing to do with me now...”

Misato smiled triumphantly. “Does that mean you're admitting that you like him?”

Shinji buried his head in his hands again and groaned.

“Talk to him about it.”

“B-But he said he doesn't like me!”

“Talk to him about it,” Misato repeated with more emphasis. “Things can't get any worse, can they? It's unlikely that you're gonna go back to being friends the way you were before.”

 _“What?”_ Shinji cried, starting to panic. “But…!”

Misato took another sip of her beer. She swallowed and said, firmly, “Talk. To. Him.”

*     *     *

Kaworu didn't like to swear, but he knew he had fucked up.

Poor Shinji was just looking for a favour from a friend, and Kaworu had ruined their friendly arrangement by getting carried away by his own feelings. Not only that, but Kaworu had to go and kick Shinji out of his apartment immediately afterwards. Even Kaworu knew he had taken the wrong course of action. This whole thing had been a mistake, really.

Well, now… had it been _entirely_ bad? After all, he now had the image, the memory, of Shinji splayed out underneath him, gasping and moaning into his ear, dragging his mouth down the side of his neck, tangling his hands in his hair… which had all been because Kaworu had lied to Shinji. Or misled him. Whatever.

The next day at school, Kaworu walked into class a few minutes before the bell and saw Shinji already sitting at his desk, talking to Mari and Asuka with Rei half-listening to their conversation. Kaworu watched Shinji talk. He watched the way Shinji scrunched his brow up in what was probably anger, or embarrassment, or both. Kaworu smiled to himself when he realized Shinji never made that face at him. Not before all this, anyway. Now Kaworu would feel lucky to be on the receiving end of one of Shinji’s glares, if only to feel a semblance of normalcy again.

Shinji glanced at Kaworu for a split second, caught Kaworu staring, then looked away. Kaworu wondered if Shinji was looking at him because he wanted to talk to him, or if he was just trying so hard not to look at Kaworu that his eyes ended up betraying him. Kaworu walked over anyway.

“Good morning, Shinji-kun,” Kaworu said lightly -- as lightly as he could.

“Um. Hi.”

“How are you?”

“Fine. Good. Whatever.”

Kaworu could tell by Shinji’s clipped answers that he wanted nothing to do with Kaworu. He sounded nervous. Kaworu was making him uncomfortable. It stung a little, but it was good to know. Kaworu just nodded and went back to his seat.

He wasn't going to talk to Shinji again. Ever. If he was going to end this in the easiest way possible, he needed to get started right away. Dragging out their dying friendship would only make it more painful. Kaworu could find a new best friend, right? He could find someone new to fall in love with. Someone else would accept Kaworu for who he was, unconditionally, right? Maybe this time, it would actually be unconditional. Kaworu genuinely faced the thought of not having Shinji in his life anymore. It almost made him cry right there in class.

At lunch, Kaworu didn't seek out Shinji. Instead, he ate with some boys from his class who he didn't quite know the names of. They talked about girls and porn and video games. Kaworu struggled to follow along. Shinji wasn't like this at all; he never talked about girls, and he would definitely never admit if he had ever watched porn. Especially not in front of a group like this!

The rest of the day was hard. Kaworu had difficulty paying attention in class when he knew that only a few feet away, Shinji was there, probably whispering with other students who weren't Kaworu. Shinji didn't seem bothered at all by Kaworu’s avoidant behaviour. That was good, though, right? It was good that Shinji was moving on. Shinji’s happiness was the most important thing to Kaworu. Did it hurt that Shinji’s happiness didn't include Kaworu? Sure it did. But Shinji was happy, so Kaworu needed to be happy, too.

Going back to his apartment felt weird without Shinji, even before this whole mess. Shinji typically accompanied Kaworu so they could do homework or play games together. Kaworu would have given anything to go back to the way things were, when he could think about Shinji without remembering what his mouth tasted like.

That night, as he tried to fall asleep, Kaworu noticed that his bed still smelled a bit like Shinji, and all he could think about was how badly he wanted to kiss Shinji again. He let himself remember Shinji’s words -- _I want you to fuck me_ \-- and wonder what would have happened had he followed through with it. He imagined what it would be like to bury himself within Shinji as he grasped for the headboard and cried out Kaworu’s name. He tried his hardest to pretend it was Shinji’s warm body he was thrusting into, rather than his own hand.

Kaworu came to the thought of his friend, and immediately felt disgusting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh no.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaworu and Shinji get in trouble.

Shinji hadn't talked to Kaworu in over a week. He was too scared to approach him, and Kaworu hadn't tried to initiate conversation after the time he had awkwardly attempted to talk to Shinji in class. He must have been done with Shinji, which was totally understandable; Shinji was a freak who had coerced Kaworu into having sex with him. That was gross. Shinji was gross. Kaworu had every reason to cut off all contact with him.

But, still… Shinji wanted to at least apologize to him. Even if Kaworu didn't accept it, he still wanted Kaworu to know that he was sorry he made him do all of that. Shinji wasn't getting his hopes up for anything. He was prepared for Kaworu to lash out and go off about how Shinji had hurt him. He kind of wished Kaworu would react like that, so that Shinji could at least help him get some closure.

He was currently peeking around a corner in the hallway, watching Kaworu packing his things up at his locker after school. All he had to do was approach Kaworu and ask to speak to him. That was it. Easy. Misato’s advice would not fail him. He approached Kaworu before Kaworu had a chance to run away again.

Shinji cleared his throat, mostly just to let Kaworu know he was there. “Kaworu-kun, can I talk to you for a minute?”

Kaworu visibly stiffened. He didn't reply or even glance over his shoulder at Shinji.

Shinji tried again. “I want to talk about what happened. I have something to say about it.”

Kaworu still didn't turn around. “Shinji-kun, I apologize for my rudeness, but I don't want to speak to you.”

“What? You won't even listen to me? You don't have to say anything! Just listen!”

Kaworu looked over his shoulder, but his gaze was directed at the floor. “I don't want to hear it. I’m sorry.”

Shinji laughed without humour. “You’re really mad at me, huh?”

Kaworu finally turned around, looking Shinji in the eye. “What? I’m not mad at you --”

“Then what's wrong?”

“I just --”

“Why won't you talk to me?”

“Shinji-kun, can you please let me --”

“Why are you acting like this all of a sudden?! You've never avoided me like this before! I’ve known you forever and this is the first time --”

“Shinji-kun! Please!”

Shinji took a deep breath, again, and shut up.

Kaworu huffed. “It's not because I'm mad at you, or because of anything you did. I just no longer wish to continue our…arrangement.” He crossed his arms and looked at Shinji with a slight frown. “I feel that I have provided you with enough practice to prepare you for a future relationship.”

_The only future relationship I want is with you!_

“Are you… _sure_ that's the only reason?” Shinji was waiting for Kaworu to tell him the truth, that Shinji had taken this whole thing too far and ruined it.

Kaworu averted his gaze. Apparently something was very interesting about the trash can across the hall, because he wouldn't look back at Shinji again.

“Kaworu-kun?”

“Yes. That's all.”

Shinji felt compelled to keep pressing him, because he needed to hear Kaworu say it so he could accept it and move on. “You're sure? Really?”

Kaworu’s expression seemed to harden. His eyes narrowed the tiniest bit. “Yes, Shinji-kun. That's. All.”

Shinji felt like he was poking a sleeping bear. “Really? There's no other reason?”

Kaworu finally looked at Shinji again. His jaw was clenched and he was glaring. It was a very odd look for him, and Shinji was so unprepared for it that he flinched.

“Are you really going to make me say it, Shinji-kun? Are you really that cruel? You want to make this as painful for me as possible?”

“Huh? What --”

“Yes, Shinji-kun. I like you. I like you, and I jumped at the chance of being able to pretend for a few minutes that you felt the same way. I am disgusted with myself. I took advantage of you. I projected my feelings onto you when you had no idea that I felt anything at all.”

"W-Wait --”

“I know that this didn't mean anything to you. I know that you only decided to ask me for this favour because you trusted me, and because you had no one else. I know, Shinji-kun. I know you don't return my feelings. I know you never will.”

“Wait a minute --”

Kaworu’s eyes were starting to well up with tears, though his nostrils were still flared and his hands were still balled into fists. “I love you, Shinji-kun. I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember. Each time you mentioned the possibility of doing the things we did with somebody else, it felt like I was being stabbed through my chest, but it doesn't matter. What I did to you was horrible. I didn't feel that you deserved to have me mislead you any longer, so I decided to end our friendship so you could move on and associate with better people. That's it. That’s the whole reason. Is that finally good enough?”

That...definitely was _not_ what Shinji had expected. Kaworu had been feeling the exact same way? He thought _he_ was the one taking advantage of _Shinji?!_

Shinji was so dumbfounded that he didn't realize Kaworu had already walked away.

For the rest of the evening and for the entire morning of the next day, Shinji couldn't stop himself from smiling. Kaworu liked him. He _loved_ him. Kaworu had been in love with Shinji for as long as he could remember. He kept replaying Kaworu's words in his head -- without the vicious tone behind them -- and letting the feeling of being wanted wash over him.

After a while, though, Shinji's insecurities got the better of him, and he started to doubt himself. Why would someone like Kaworu want to be with someone like Shinji? Kaworu was handsome, and charismatic, and intelligent, and...perfect. Whenever those vibrant red eyes landed on him, Shinji felt like nothing else mattered. As long as Kaworu was looking at him, and smiling at him, and laughing at his awful jokes, Shinji felt like things were going to be okay. How could someone with an effect like that want anything to do with Shinji? Shinji was awkward and plain. There was nothing special about him. There's no way Kaworu saw him the way Shinji saw Kaworu.

Then again, Kaworu wouldn't lie about something like that, would he? Shinji wished he had a way to find out for sure. He seethed with anger at himself for not telling Kaworu, right then, how he felt, because there was no way in hell he was going to get another opportunity to talk to him. If Kaworu was feeling in any way similar to the way Shinji had felt this whole time, he probably thought that Shinji was disgusted with him, especially now that he had told Shinji the whole truth. Kaworu was never going to let Shinji close enough to talk ever again.

It wasn't until music class that day that Shinji felt a glimmer of hope. Their teacher announced an upcoming assignment in which they would have to work in pairs, and she was assigning partners! Shinji crossed his fingers as she read the list of students who would be working together, hoping that he would get partnered with Kaworu. He glanced over at Kaworu from across the room, noting that he was also tense, but probably for the opposite reason.

“Ikari-san,” the teacher said once she reached Shinji’s name in the list, “You will be working with Nagisa-san.”

Shinji thought he heard a pained sound coming from Kaworu's direction.

They weren't given any class time yet to work together, but they would be! Shinji was thrumming with excitement, already planning out in his head how he was going to explain himself to Kaworu. He imagined how Kaworu would react. Would he cry out of happiness? Would he be angry at Shinji for not telling him sooner? Would he reject Shinji, saying that Shinji had misunderstood his feelings? Shinji's mind raced with all the possibilities.

Class ended, and Shinji had been heading to his locker and minding his own business when Kensuke approached him, looking sheepish.

“Um, Shinji? I thought you might like to know that Kaworu-kun asked to switch partners with me for our music assignment. I said no because I didn't want to get in trouble, but…” He shrugged. “I thought it was kind of weird. Aren't you two close?”

Shinji sighed. “Yeah, well… Thanks for letting me know.”

That son of a bitch. Kaworu had no right to be acting preemptively like that! He couldn't wait until music class tomorrow, when he would finally have an excuse to talk to Kaworu.

If Kaworu didn't show up for school the next day, Shinji was going to rip his head off.

*     *     *

Kaworu wasn't going to school today. He was positively mortified! Not only had he gone and told Shinji _everything,_ further incriminating himself, but he had also been assigned to work with Shinji immediately after. And now, here he was, avoiding his problems.

He knew what he had to do; he had to be civil with Shinji and get through this last year of school until he was finally free of anything tying them together. That wouldn't be hard, right? Kaworu was good at suppressing his feelings.

Kaworu grumbled to himself. He looked at the clock. He had already missed half of the day's classes. If he got out of bed now and hurried up a bit, though, he could make it to school in time for music class…

Forty minutes later, Kaworu was begrudgingly walking through the doors of his school. He did not want to be here, and he certainly did not want to be making his way towards Shinji, but he had to. He snuck into class five seconds before the bell and slunk into his seat.

The teacher was allowing them to use the entire period to get started on their assignment. Kaworu sighed, but got up to meet Shinji at his desk.

“H-Hi,” Shinji stammered. “I, um, didn't think you were coming to school today.” His voice had a tremor in it and he wouldn't stop bouncing his leg up and down under the desk. Clearly, he was uncomfortable with Kaworu’s presence after the previous day's events. Kaworu didn't blame him.

“My alarm didn't go off this morning,” Kaworu lied. Shinji must have been hoping that Kaworu wasn't going to show up. He pulled a nearby empty desk over and sat in it. “So we have to choose a piece to play as a duet? I was thinking --”

Shinji grabbed one of Kaworu’s hands with both of his own, most likely just to catch Kaworu off-guard. “Please, let me say this first.”

Kaworu pulled his hand back immediately, before the butterflies could make their way up his chest. Any kind of physical contact with Shinji right now was a bad idea, no matter how bad he wanted it.

“Shinji-kun," he said firmly, "This is not the time or the place to be discussing this. Besides, I understand already that you don't want to be around me anymore. I tried to find someone to switch partners with us, for your sake, but everyone said no.”

Shinji shook his head. “No, you don't understand. I have to tell you --”

“Ikari-san!” The teacher barked. “It doesn't sound like you and Nagisa-san are getting much work done!”

Shinji’s face went pink. “U-Um, yes, I apologize.”

The teacher went back to reading whatever book she had in her hand. Shinji took a moment to recover from the shame, and then continued in a quieter voice.

“Kaworu-kun, you have it all wrong,” he whispered. “Please listen to me. This whole time, you were thinking that I was just pretending, and, well… maybe I was just pretending at first, but…”

 _But?_ But what? Kaworu's heart thudded in his ears and he felt a little bit nauseated from how tense he was. “Yes…?”

“A-After a while, it kind of dawned on me that, um, I actually wanted to be with you like that. Like, I mean, actually, um… D-Dating, I guess."

Kaworu's stomach dropped.

"Like when we went to the zoo, I actually, uh, let myself believe that we were on an actual date, and that everything we were doing was for real. And, the stuff we did after that, the...” Shinji paused to swallow. “The, uh, y-you know… That was all, uh… I was being genuine."

Kaworu felt dizzy. He was going to pass out.

"B-But I thought that _you_ were just pretending," Shinji continued, "and that you were just being nice and letting me practice. I thought I had pushed you too far, when I asked you to...do that. A-And that's when I realized how I really felt about this whole thing...about y-you, I mean...s-so I was kind of upset. But what you said yesterday really surprised me. I wasn't expecting that at all. I was..." Shinji trailed off. He smiled at Kaworu, suddenly, and finished his thought. "I was really happy."

Kaworu was going to _die._ Was this really happening? This was a dream, right? There's no way Shinji genuinely wanted to be with Kaworu like that, right? That would be too much. That would never happen in real life. This was a dream.

“I can't believe you didn't catch on, honestly,” Shinji continued. “I mean, why would I need to practice...you know, letting someone...put their...you know, put it in…?" He laughed. "Why would I really need to practice that if I was gonna be dating girls? I mean, it could happen, but… Did that not seem odd to you?”

Kaworu's throat felt dry. He swallowed. “I-I thought...maybe I had misled you, and somehow tricked you into doing it.”

Shinji laughed again, quietly. “No, that wasn't it. I just wanted to do that.”

“You...wanted to do that with me? All of that?”

“Yeah, because, um…” Shinji’s face went pink again. “I feel the s-same way you do. I mean,” Shinji’s voice went even quieter. “I love you.”

Kaworu couldn't even think. As soon as heard those words leave Shinji’s mouth, and saw the sincere look in his eyes, there was no stopping him. He grabbed Shinji by the back of the head and caught him in an open-mouthed kiss, relishing in the soft moan Shinji sighed through his nose. It was wonderful for a few seconds, to finally kiss Shinji knowing that it was all completely genuine; there was nothing complicated or ambiguous about it. Kaworu loved Shinj, and Shinji loved Kaworu, so they were kissing. It was wonderful.

Kaworu opened his eyes in shock, though, when he remembered where they were. The whole class was staring at them. Oops.

Shinji’s face was approaching a deep burgundy colour. He stood up and bowed deeply. “S-S-Sorry! I am so sorry, everyone!”

“Why are you apologizing?” Kaworu asked. “I’m the one who kissed you.”

“N-Nagisa-san! Ikari-san!” The teacher yelled, sounding a bit confused. “Go to the principal’s office! Now!”

*     *     *

Although Shinji was elated at Kaworu's reaction to his confession, he was a little bit annoyed with him. Maybe confessing to Kaworu in the middle of class was a bad idea, but Kaworu should have known better! Then again... Kaworu said he had been in love with Shinji for practically forever, so it was only natural for him to have gotten overwhelmed... No! Kaworu shouldn't have embarrassed Shinji like that! Besides, Shinji had no choice but to do it during class; Kaworu wouldn't give him a chance to speak otherwise!

Regardless of who was more to blame, Shinji was sitting here holding hands with Kaworu in a totally genuine way, which was nice, even though they were on the train heading home after being suspended for a day. Shinji hadn't known that kissing in class was such a punishable offense, but here he was, punished.

Kaworu didn't seem apologetic about his behaviour in the slightest. He was a bit distracted, after all.

“Say it again, Shinji-kun," he whispered, quietly, so nobody else on the train could hear. "Please!”

Shinji rolled his eyes, but he couldn't help but smile at Kaworu’s excitement. “I love you, Kaworu-kun,” he whispered back.

Kaworu fucking _giggled_ and squeezed Shinji’s hand. “It's still very hard for me to believe, you know.”

“Really? Why not? You've made me say it a hundred times already."

Kaworu shifted in his seat so he could rest his head on Shinji's shoulder. "I have loved you for a very long time. I never imagined that you would ever feel the same way about me."

Shinji tried to fight the blush creeping up his cheeks. He leaned his head down until he felt his cheek bump against Kaworu's hair. "Well, still... How did you not notice how I've been feeling lately? Every time we were together, I thought I was being super obvious."

Kaworu hummed. “You know, Shinji-kun, this whole time you've been going on about how you were just practising with me so that you would know what to do with somebody else.”

“I know. I'm stupid.”

“No, no, no, that's not what I meant!” Kaworu said quickly, squeezing Shinji's hand again. “I only meant that I think it was justifiable for me to feel the way that I did. To think that you didn't have feelings like that for me, and to feel that I was taking advantage of you.”

“Yeah, well, I felt exactly the same way! I thought that I was the one being gross and creepy.”

“But…you weren't just pretending?” Kaworu asked cautiously. “And you…want to continue doing those things with me…just because you want to do them with me? Is that right?”

“Yes, that's right. I just...genuinely want to be with you."

"You cannot imagine how much that means to me," Kaworu murmured. He sat up and gave Shinji a noisy kiss on the cheek -- the kind grandmothers give. Shinji grimaced and wiped his cheek with the back of his hand. Kaworu chuckled.

"Anyway," Shinji said, "I think it's harder for me to believe that you wanna be with me."

"Really?" Kaworu raised his eyebrows, looking at Shinji with wide eyes. "What could you possibly mean? You're wonderful, Shinji-kun."

"No I'm not," Shinji mumbled, looking down at his lap. "I'm so...average. But you're, I mean..." He sighed. "You could go out with anyone you wanted. I'm sure even most of the guys have crushes on you."

"Huh? Really?"

"Yeah! You're so fucking _pretty!_ You look like an angel or something. It's not fair. And you're also a really nice person! And you're super smart! Who _wouldn't_ have a crush on you?"

Kaworu chuckled. "Shinji-kun, I appreciate the flattery, but..."

Shinji grabbed both of Kaworu's hands and looked desperately into his eyes. "No! I'm being serious! You charm everyone you talk to. Everybody likes you! Why would you settle for me?"

"Shinji-kun, has it not occurred to you that I look at you the same way? I have always thought of you as someone who was liked by everyone. To me, you are intelligent, and charming, and kind, and... What else did you say I was? Pretty?" He laughed. "I see you as all of those things, too."

Shinji shook his head. "You're just saying that..."

Kaworu frowned. "Do you think I would lie to you, Shinji-kun?"

Shinji shrugged. He wanted to believe Kaworu, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

Kaworu heaved a sigh. “Well, if you still won't believe me…”

Shinji raised an eyebrow at Kaworu. "What?"

Kaworu placed his hand on Shinji's knee, slowly sliding it up his thigh. “You could come home with me and I'll show you what I mean, if you want.”

Shinji's eyes darted around, scanning for anyone who noticed what was going on. “K-Kaworu-kun…”

“And we aren't allowed to go to school tomorrow, so you can stay overnight.” He lowered his voice to a purr. “I’m sure that would give me more than enough time to show you exactly how much I love you, Shinji-kun."

Shinji nodded. He tried to speak, but all that came out was a sound that was reminiscent of someone slowly letting air out of a balloon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think there's only one more chapter. it should be out before the end of august!!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jeez louise... i'm so sorry that i took like 14 years to update this when i said the last chapter would be uploaded before the end of august... i am so sorry. the semester started and i was just so swamped that i couldn't make time or even find the motivation to work on this.

Once they had finally reached Kaworu’s apartment, and they were alone, it all seemed a lot more real. Everything had happened so fast -- Shinji hadn't even been expecting Kaworu's confession, so he really didn't think he would be in this position right now. But finally, after all their dawdling, they were actually going to…

Shinji gulped.

“S-So,” Kaworu stuttered, “Um, do you want to go to my room? Or would you rather...um...not do it right now? I don't want to make you feel like I expect anything…”

Kaworu's usually-smooth manner of speaking was littered with stutters and pauses. Shinji couldn't believe it. Kaworu was...nervous? Kaworu Nagisa was _nervous?_ He could barely get a full sentence out without stumbling! It was kind of cute.

Shinji stepped forward and slid his hands over Kaworu’s shoulders, hoping to calm him. “I don't want you to feel like I’m expecting anything, either. If you don't want to --”

Kaworu cut Shinji off with his lips. While he kissed him, Kaworu slid his hands down Shinji’s body, stopping at his hips so he could press their bodies together. Shinji got a bit lightheaded when he realized he could feel Kaworu’s already-growing hardness against him.

“I want to do it, Shinji-kun,” Kaworu said, as if he needed to.

Shinji laughed. “Okay. Good. Me too.” He paused. "But I should call Misato-san first... It's better for her to find out I was suspended from me, rather than getting a call from the school."

Kaworu nodded quickly. "Right, right. I will wait for you in my bedroom."

Shinji went into Kaworu's kitchen for more privacy. He pulled out his phone and dialled his home number.

"Hello?" Misato said after one ring. "Shinji?"

"U-Um, hello, Misato-san..." Shinji gulped. "I have something to tell you."

"Hmm? Are you in trouble?"

"Y-Yes... I was in class, and, um... Kaworu-kun... kissed me. We both got suspended."

There was silence on the other line.

Shinji took a deep breath and continued. "S-So, um I'm at Kaworu-kun's right now. I am probably going to be staying overnight. Please don't be mad at me."

When Misato finally spoke, her voice was steady. "Alright. I'll talk to you tomorrow when you get home."

Shinji couldn't tell if that was good or bad. It sounded like she may have been proud of him, but he couldn't be sure. He timidly said goodbye and hung up.

Once he was finished, Shinji headed down the hall to Kaworu's bedroom. Shinji felt his breath coming more quickly as he neared the door, but he didn't think it was entirely because he was nervous. He opened the door and saw Kaworu sitting on the bed, absently tracing a pattern over the sheets on his bed. Shinji was disappointed to note that he still had all his clothes on.

Kaworu looked up as Shinji walked in. He smiled and patted the bed beside him.

"Come sit with me," he invited. The tone of his voice wasn't suggestive of anything greater, but Shinji knew what he was here for.

“Wait,” Shinji said, resisting when Kaworu tried to get him to sit. “It’s easier to do this standing up.”

Kaworu opened his mouth, probably to ask what Shinji meant, but he closed it once Shinji started to unbutton his own shirt. He forced himself to remain calm and not think too hard about what he was doing. Kaworu’s eyes stayed on the shirt as Shinji took it off and dropped it on the floor. Shinji shut his eyes in embarrassment as he peeled off his undershirt, too, and let it fall into the growing pile. The further he went, the easier it became and the more comfortable he was with the idea of not only doing this with Kaworu, but doing this with a Kaworu who was in love with Shinji. That was another thing entirely.

While Shinji’s eyes were closed, Kaworu had grabbed Shinji by the belt loops and pulled him forward. Shinji stumbled, but managed to regain his footing, standing close enough so that Kaworu could help him get his pants off.

“W-Wait a second!” Shinji cried as Kaworu tugged his pants down his hips. “Why aren't you taking your clothes off, too?”

“I made a promise to you, Shinji-kun,” Kaworu said, pulling Shinji down on the bed and ridding him of everything but his socks.

Oh, right. Kaworu had said he intended to show Shinji how much he loved him. Shinji hadn't realized Kaworu actually meant he would do something like this! Shinji was more than capable of removing his own pants.

Once Kaworu had bluntly dropped Shinji's clothes in a pile on the floor, he leaned over and kissed Shinji sweetly on the nose. Then he pressed a more heated kiss to Shinji's lips, before pulling away again and smiling down at him.

“I love kissing you, Shinji-kun," he cooed. "Your lips are so soft, and the sounds that you make are so cute.”

Shinji covered his eyes with his hands. “Ack! No! Don't do this! Don't narrate everything!”

Kaworu giggled. “You’re so cute.” He moved down to Shinji’s neck, then, and nipped at the skin, drawing a shaky moan from Shinji’s lips. Shinji was embarrassed at how loud he was being, already, when they hadn't even done anything yet.

“I love how responsive you are,” Kaworu murmured, then shifted down to kiss Shinji’s nipple. “I could spend all day kissing you all over, Shinji-kun.”

“I-I wouldn't mind that, either,” Shinji breathed. He tried to sound smooth -- at least half as smooth as Kaworu did, anyway -- but he was too overwhelmed, so his voice came out weak.

Kaworu laughed, softly, against his chest. “You know what else I love about you, Shinji-kun?”

Shinji felt Kaworu’s hand trailing lower, lower,  
lower.

“What?” Shinji whispered, so full of anticipation he could hardly breathe.

“I love the way your cock tastes.”

Shinji could only stammer out a string of gibberish.

“Do you mind if I…?” Kaworu asked -- as if he really _needed_ to ask -- while his mouth hovered centimetres from Shinji’s cock.

“N-No… Go ahead.”

As soon as he was given permission, Kaworu lowered his head and took Shinji into his mouth. Shinji was too turned on, already, and he couldn't help but squeeze his eyes shut and bite his fist as he fought to stave off his orgasm. Foolishly, he snuck a glance down at Kaworu, only to find Kaworu gazing up at him with heavily lidded eyes and a heated flush on his cheeks, one side of his mouth bulging from the head of Shinji’s cock. Shinji was struck so hard by the sight of him, and, well...he was getting his dick sucked, after all… It wasn't really surprising to think that he would come after thirty seconds. So when he _did_ come so quickly that Kaworu choked a little because of how unexpected it was, Shinji shouldn't have been as embarrassed as he was.

“I-I’m sorry,” Shinji mumbled weakly as Kaworu wiped his chin with the back of his hand, coughing.

“Don't worry about it,” Kaworu dismissed, voice strained and raw.

“I think I can still go again," Shinji noted with a not-insignificant amount of shame, "So, um, we don't have to stop, if you want to keep going.”

Kaworu smiled. “As long as you're sure,” he said, taking a bottle of lube from his bedside table. He uncapped it and squeezed some onto his fingers.

Shinji gulped. He was going to be _really_ embarrassed if he nutted after thirty seconds again.

Before Kaworu slipped the first finger in, he asked, “Do you want me to use my mouth on you again while I do this?”

“N-No, don't do that!” Shinji blurted, already knowing how that would end up.

“Alright,” Kaworu said with a chuckle before pushing his finger in. After a second, he slipped another one in alongside it.

“Give me another,” Shinji breathed, bumping his hips down against Kaworu’s hands.

“I don't want to hurt you,” Kaworu said, hesitant.

“Please, I'll be fine,” Shinji insisted. In truth, he wanted to feel the pain of the stretch in hope that it would dull his overwhelming arousal, but he didn't want to explain that all to Kaworu. Besides, he knew he would be able to handle it.

Kaworu deliberated for a moment before ultimately adding a third finger. Shinji tried not to let the discomfort show on his face as he adjusted. It only took a few minutes before he was back to his earlier too-aroused state. He urged Kaworu to hurry, before it was too late. Why was this so different than the last time? What was it about the look in Kaworu's eyes that made it impossible for Shinji to calm down?

Kaworu removed his fingers and got himself ready. Shinji expected Kaworu to enter him like that, but Kaworu rolled over onto his back instead.

“I know I said I was going to show you how much I love you, Shinji-kun, but I think it may be easier for me to do that from down here.”

“Huh? What do you mean? You want me to…?”

Kaworu pulled him over, hoisting Shinji’s leg up over his hip so Shinji was straddling him. “Is this okay with you?”

Shinji swallowed his nerves and nodded. “I want to show you I'm serious about my feelings, too.”

He reached behind himself for Kaworu’s cock, angling it so it would be in position to enter him. Slowly, he lowered himself, hissing in pain as the tip breached him.

“A-Are you alright, Shinji-kun?”

Shinji nodded, too overwhelmed to vocalize his answer. From his limited experience of doing this on his own, he knew he just needed to take it slow. After a few minutes, he had sunk further and further down until he was seated on Kaworu’s hips.

Kaworu’s cock may have been bigger than Shinji’s, but it wasn't exceptionally large, so it should not have felt as massive as it did. Still, Shinji felt his eyes roll back in his head a little bit. He had never had anything this big inside of himself before, and it was...good.

“It’s all in,” he breathed, eyes still closed in concentration. He opened them to find Kaworu smiling at him warmly. “What is it?” Shinji asked.

“I love you.”

Shinji’s breath caught in his throat. “O-Oh… Um, I l-love you, too.”

Kaworu squeezed Shinji hands in his own.

As touching as the moment was, Shinji had finally become used to the stretch of Kaworu inside of him, so he told Kaworu he was going to move. Kaworu slid his hands over Shinji’s hips in encouragement.

The moment Shinji started to slide up and down on Kaworu’s cock, a stream of endless filth started to pour out of Kaworu’s mouth. Although Kaworu was more verbose than anyone else Shinji knew, Shinji never would have guessed that he liked dirty talk.

“You’re so tight, Shinji-kun… I’ve imagined doing this with you many times before, but I had never thought you would feel as good as you do…”

“Kaworu-kun!” Shinji cried, half scolding and half passionate.

“You are so much more erotic than I could have ever imagined. You're whole body is flushed pink; it's so cute, all the way from the tips of your ears down to your dripping --”

Shinji clamped a hand over Kaworu’s mouth. That was enough out of him for now.

Once Shinji stopped smothering him, he looked down at Kaworu’s face. It was flushed and covered in a sheen of sweat, and his hair was sticking to his forehead, but Shinji could see the love in his eyes. Well, it was either that, or Shinji really did feel _that_ amazing around him.

Shinji was surely just as overwhelmed with passion and emotion as Kaworu was, but Shinji also had the quad muscles of a fifth grader and he was not cut out for this kind of physical exertion. Riding a dick was hard work.

“My legs are getting kind of tired,” Shinji mumbled sheepishly, slowing down and hoping Kaworu got the hint.

Kaworu nodded and grabbed a tighter hold of Shinji’s hips. He held Shinji in place and thrusted up into him, creating a faster and more intense rhythm that made Shinji’s toes curl. He felt a bit like a rag doll with the way Kaworu was manhandling him, but he didn't hate it. He was hesitant to admit it to himself, but he liked giving in and letting Kaworu take control.

Shinji let his body mostly relax, relieved that he didn't have to move anymore. He focused on the feeling of Kaworu inside of him, and the pressure of Kaworu’s hands on his hips. Evidently, Kaworu was losing control of himself, if his lack of speech was anything to go by. Shinji listened intently to the sounds Kaworu made beneath him as he grew closer and closer to the edge.

"S-Shinji...kun..." Kaworu barely said in a slurry of gasps and sighs. Shinji knew what he was trying to say, anyway.

Shinji let himself fall into the pleasure, no longer trying to fight off his orgasm. Once Kaworu lost his composure, it was easier for Shinji to let himself go without feeling embarrassed. He didn't hold his voice back, and he didn't try to hide the involuntary movements of his hips. He knew that Kaworu would appreciate that, anyway.

Kaworu's hands were busy holding Shinji steady, but Shinji's cock was aching to be touched, so he had to swallow his shame and do it himself. Kaworu's eyes widened as he watched Shinji's hand wrap around himself and start to stroke. Shinji tried to pay no mind to how intently Kaworu was watching him. The closer he got to coming, though, the more Shinji found that he _liked_ having Kaworu's eyes on him, and the more he tried to earn his attention.

Shinji couldn't tear his eyes away from Kaworu's wrecked expression as he touched himself. He desperately wished it was Kaworu's hand on him instead of his own. He pulled one of Kaworu's hands off his hip, guiding it to his cock instead and taking on the burden of movement. As soon as he felt Kaworu's gentle fingers wrap around him, he came, grinding against Kaworu's hand and clamping down on his cock. He made a mess of Kaworu's stomach, but Kaworu didn't seem bothered.

Kaworu lasted a few more thrusts before he came, too. He gripped Shinji's hips again, almost-painfully-tight, and groaned incoherently as he drove into him a few times, then held his hips still. Shinji was unprepared for the feeling of Kaworu coming inside of him. He hadn't realized how intimate it would feel. It was because of Shinji that Kaworu was coming. Shinji had made that happen. He was proud of himself.

Kaworu pulled out, and Shinji let his body go limp, laying on top of him. He grimaced as he realized he had landed directly into the puddle of come he had left on Kaworu's stomach, but Kaworu quickly distracted him by kissing him softly.

Shinji smiled against his lips. “Was that...good?”

Kaworu pulled back and looked at him, laughing like he couldn't believe Shinji would ever ask something that ridiculous. “Shinji-kun, of course it was _good._ You must not realize how much I love you if you think I could have not enjoyed that. Should I explain it to you again?”

“N-No, once was enough!”

*     *     *

Come Monday morning, Shinji was sitting at his desk, waiting for class to start and idly listening to the conversation around him. He was pretty tired, so he didn't notice when Kaworu walked into class and approached Shinji’s desk.

“Good morning, darling,” Kaworu said a little bit too loud. Shinji saw Asuka’s eyes go wide, but he wasn't able to stop her from blurting it out in time.

“I knew it!” She cried, jumping up from her seat and pointing at them. “I knew you were…!”

Shinji felt Kaworu's hand curl possessively around his waist.

“Yes,” Kaworu said firmly. “Shinji-kun and I are dating. We love each other.”

Shinji stiffened in shock. He had a chastising comment on the tip of his tongue, but he held it back for Kaworu's sake. Poor Kaworu had been in love with Shinji for God knows how long, and he had endured it all that time without getting any proper affection in return. Shinji wasn't about to deny him anything else, especially when their relationship was so fresh.

So he leaned into Kaworu just a little bit, enough that Kaworu would notice his effort, and told Asuka, “It’s true. I love Kaworu-kun.” He paused. "I figured Misato-san would have told you already."

Misato had already given Shinji a stern talking-to about his behaviour. She commended him for being honest about his feelings, but she also grounded him for a week for being so irresponsible.

"I knew you were suspended, but I didn't know why..." Asuka stared at him, still wide-eyed, as if she couldn't believe that Shinji was willing to give up the truth so quickly. “Since when?"

Kaworu, thankfully, took the lead. “We confessed a few days ago, although we have had a purely sexual relationship for the past month or so.”

“K-Kaworu-kun! Don't give out that information so freely!”

Asuka snickered. “I already knew, Shinji. I saw the hickies on your neck, remember? You're bad at lying.” She paused. “But I didn't know things had gone _that_ far…”

The other students in the classroom had caught wind of their conversation, so Shinji desperately switched topics before anyone said anything too embarrassing.

“W-Well, it's not a big deal that I have a boyfriend. You have one, too, right? And yours is a college student.”

Asuka frowned. “Yeah, well, me and Akihiro aren't really talking anymore.”

“Oh. I’m sorry for bringing it up.”

“It’s alright. He was a loser anyway.” She frowned. "Dating is stupid."

They both fell silent for a moment. Then, Asuka mumbled, “Sorry I was mean to you, I guess.” She paused. “I'm glad you're happy. Or whatever.”

Shinji looked down. It was always weird when he and Asuka were genuinely nice to each other. “Uh, i-it's okay.” He swallowed. “Thank you.”

“Y-Yeah.” Asuka went to talk to Mari before things got _too_ genuine.

Kaworu was still standing next to Shinji, with his arm still around Shinji's shoulders. Surely, by the end of the week, the whole school would know they were dating, especially since some of their fellow students had seen their passionate embrace in class a few days ago. It didn't bother Shinji at all. He was finally dating Kaworu for real.

He didn't want to pretend anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's it!! i actually have another idea for a kawoshin fic that i really wanna write, but im not making any promises...
> 
> anyway the only ""social media"" i use anymore is deviantart, if that counts lol so if you want hmu on there @ robodong. or just check out my shitty art. w/e. i take requests


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